The Time Is Now

I’ve decided that I need to stop thinking and make things happen (again.) I guess I’m on another peak of my gender identity discontentment self-oscillation. I’m going to try to tell most of the people I’m close to in the next month and start going to see my therapist again too (I stopped going a few months back.)

There are peaks and valleys in how I feel about transitioning, but I know that if I don’t do something, I will always have times when I regret doing nothing. There is no time in my life when I don’t think that it would be better to transition, only times when I think that I can do just as well without transitioning.

I just read this great quote on a blog I follow. It describes pretty well how I feel and how I need to act going forward.

I must be true to myself.  I cannot break myself any longer for you, or you.  If you can love me for what I am, we shall be the happier.  If you cannot, I will still seek to deserve that you should… I will not hide my tastes or aversions.  I will so trust that what is deep is holy, that I will do strongly before the sun and moon whatever inly rejoices me, and the heart appoints…. I do this not selfishly, but humbly and truly.
~Ralph Waldo Emerson, Self-Reliance
(Found this on Trans/LATE)

That wood theme wasn’t doing it for me, so I switched to something simple for now.

Filed under: My Story, awkward, awkwardness, coming out, friends, gender, identity, mtf transition, transgender, transition, transsexual

Direct From the Journal

I was writing in my journal today and thought it may be a good exercise to post excerpts from it here from time to time. It won’t necessarily make a ton of sense (I write in a somewhat scattered fashion sometimes as it’s more just a means for me to get things out so they stop rattling around in my head.)

—

March 22, 2010

I will survive. Evidence supports me. I have friends who will support me. Why am I so scared to be who I am? Can I be wrong? What happens if I am wrong? It is impossible that I can be wrong. This is as much me as anything else. It is who I am. I am Emily more than I am anything else. I need to embrace this and stop being scared. It is impossible to fail.

—

Anyway, that’s it. There was some other stuff there, but that was the part that I thought I’d post.

On a side note I changed the blog style. I think I like it. It’s some new theme they just released.

Filed under: Journal, awkward, awkwardness, coming out, friends, gender, mtf transition, transgender, transition, transsexual

Getting Over Awkward

I’m having a hard time getting over the awkwardness of coming out. It seems to me that this is my biggest hindrance. Yes, for a few people, I’m a little concerned about how they will react, but for the most part is this whole awkward issue I have.

It just still sounds so ridiculous when I say it out loud. I guess I could write letters or something like that, but some people deserve to be told in person. And even if no one deserved to be told in person, I would still need to get over the awkward feeling.

Maybe I should just create some mantra to recite to myself during the day. I have a 25 minute commute to work, so that’s plenty of time for recitations. In the end, though, I think the only thing that will really cure this is to just get over the feeling, and say it. I’m never going to get anywhere if I can’t get past feeling strange about things.

Filed under: My Story, awkward, awkwardness, coming out, mtf transition, transgender, transition, transsexual