Emily's Blog

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A Blog About My Thoughts on Transition

Anything and Everything… Ambiguously!

I am Emily. But at the same time there’s so much else going on in that head of mine. I’m not sure that one lifetime is enough to get it all sorted out!

My friend visited from out of town last week. It was great to have a kindred spirit around for a little while even if he doesn’t fully understand who I am yet (how could he when I don’t even understand me yet!) Spending time out and about–outside of my normal sphere–and experiencing something new was super refreshing. I feel like right there it ave me the energy to keep going down this path a little while longer.

For a good part of the last two years, all of Emily’s things have been away in boxes. Things would come out from time to time, but never for long. I don’t know what flipped, but the past two months have been intense. I wonder if it will last this time, or if I’ll end up back in boy land again.

It is comfortable, and I do fine at it, but I do sense myself shifting little by little to the line. I was never super masculine, but the past year has seen just about all of the masculinity fall away. I think the common assumption is just that I’m gay and that’s ok for now. I’m not “out” in any sense of the word, but I don’t hide anything and anyway it’s hard to be “out” as something when you’re everything. And then it just gets too long to explain, so there’s no point. Ambiguity works fine for me. If someone really wants to know, they can get the full spiel. But I don’t think anyone really has the time. And even if they did, explaining it is too hard for most people to understand.

One day maybe I can nail myself down to one thing and be able to say “I am this” or “I am that.” Right now, though, every time I use an absolute when referring to myself, I just feel like I’m telling some sort of lie. Whether it’s “I’m gay”, “I’m bi”, “I’m straight”, “I’m a man”, or “I’m a woman”, nothing ever seems 100% true. So for now, I’m just learning to be content being everything.

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Filed under: Gender Identity, Journal, My Story, Thoughts, , , , ,

Progress and then BAM!

Well, not quite all uppercase bam, but it makes for a more dramatic title, so why not. All of a sudden tonight I was hit by a really heavy bout of questioning and doubt. Is this really right? Can’t I just ignore this? I’ll never succeed. I don’t know quite how I got past it, but I did. In the past, those episodes were always the point of my going back to my cave, but this time I think I’ll make it through.

For some reason, the mantra of the Heart Sutra always helps me get through periods of doubt. “Gate gate pāragate pārasaṃgate bodhi svāhā.” It’s not quite the typical use of the mantra, but for it always comes to mind and helps me. I think it has something to do with the sense of complete awakening.

Filed under: Journal, , , , ,

Back! Time for Business.

I can’t keep flopping back and forth. I back off from transitioning but then a week, month, or more later I’m always back where I started. This isn’t going away. It’s been there since I was a child and will always be part of who I am.

I need to embrace myself. There’s nothing wrong with me. Sure, I may have been dealt a trickier than usual hand, but it’s still a lot easier than a lot of other people’s. I can and will survive this. I just have to start making steps.

Filed under: Gender Identity, Journal, , , , , , ,

And

I am still alive.

Filed under: Uncategorized