Emily's Blog

And

emilyincarnate — Tue, 06 Dec 2011 04:09:57 +0000

I am still alive.

Filed under: Uncategorized

Litany Against Fear

emilyincarnate — Tue, 17 May 2011 00:54:28 +0000

I must not fear.
Fear is the mind-killer.
Fear is the little-death that brings total obliteration.
I will face my fear.
I will permit it to pass over me and through me.
And when it has gone past I will turn the inner eye to see its path.
Where the fear has gone there will be nothing.
Only I will remain.
-Dune: Litany Against Fear

Filed under: Thoughts

[long pause]

emilyincarnate — Fri, 13 May 2011 03:24:55 +0000

Hmmm. It’s been a long time (over a year!) since I posted here last. I’m a horrible blogger. And then I get distracted. At least no one read this blog to start with so there’s no disappointment.

It’s been a whole year and I’ve my zero progress. I guess I got caught up in some other things and then doubt and then just got lost for a spell. The crux of it is, I don’t know what I want. Well, I know what I want, but I have trouble connecting the dots. There are too many variables and I can’t seem to find a synthesis of them that fits in any long term scheme.

I need to meditate more. I’ve felt for the past couple of years that something was right there, just out of my reach. I don’t know what it is, but it seems to be something transformative. It might just be nothing. I’ve tried (and not tried) to get there, but there is a wall in the way.

I did discover American Apparel this year and have completely fallen in love. I’ve already spent way too much money there and will probably continue the trend for a while.

Anyway, it’s getting late and I have some things to do. Writing this post has been nice, though. I feel like I need to get some words out on “paper.”

Filed under: Gender Identity, Journal Tagged: identity, mtf transition, transgender, transition, transsexual

A Whole Month?

emilyincarnate — Mon, 26 Apr 2010 18:11:53 +0000

I can’t believe a whole month has gone by since my last post here. Time flies by sometimes. So much for taking action- I’m still roughly in about the same place, though a little more defined. Let’s see what this month brings.

Filed under: Thoughts

The Time Is Now

emilyincarnate — Fri, 26 Mar 2010 16:37:32 +0000

I’ve decided that I need to stop thinking and make things happen (again.) I guess I’m on another peak of my gender identity discontentment self-oscillation. I’m going to try to tell most of the people I’m close to in the next month and start going to see my therapist again too (I stopped going a few months back.)

There are peaks and valleys in how I feel about transitioning, but I know that if I don’t do something, I will always have times when I regret doing nothing. There is no time in my life when I don’t think that it would be better to transition, only times when I think that I can do just as well without transitioning.

I just read this great quote on a blog I follow. It describes pretty well how I feel and how I need to act going forward.

I must be true to myself. I cannot break myself any longer for you, or you. If you can love me for what I am, we shall be the happier. If you cannot, I will still seek to deserve that you should… I will not hide my tastes or aversions. I will so trust that what is deep is holy, that I will do strongly before the sun and moon whatever inly rejoices me, and the heart appoints…. I do this not selfishly, but humbly and truly.
~Ralph Waldo Emerson, Self-Reliance
(Found this on Trans/LATE)

That wood theme wasn’t doing it for me, so I switched to something simple for now.

Filed under: My Story Tagged: awkward, awkwardness, coming out, friends, gender, identity, mtf transition, transgender, transition, transsexual

Direct From the Journal

emilyincarnate — Tue, 23 Mar 2010 02:09:07 +0000

I was writing in my journal today and thought it may be a good exercise to post excerpts from it here from time to time. It won’t necessarily make a ton of sense (I write in a somewhat scattered fashion sometimes as it’s more just a means for me to get things out so they stop rattling around in my head.)

—

March 22, 2010

I will survive. Evidence supports me. I have friends who will support me. Why am I so scared to be who I am? Can I be wrong? What happens if I am wrong? It is impossible that I can be wrong. This is as much me as anything else. It is who I am. I am Emily more than I am anything else. I need to embrace this and stop being scared. It is impossible to fail.

—

Anyway, that’s it. There was some other stuff there, but that was the part that I thought I’d post.

On a side note I changed the blog style. I think I like it. It’s some new theme they just released.

Filed under: Journal Tagged: awkward, awkwardness, coming out, friends, gender, mtf transition, transgender, transition, transsexual

Coming Out

emilyincarnate — Mon, 22 Mar 2010 22:15:47 +0000

I almost found myself coming out to just about everyone over the weekend including my parents. I don’t know what it is, but in some periods it seems that it’s next to impossible to even think about transitioning and then other times it’s as if you could tell anyone and not care about any negative reactions.

I didn’t end up telling anyone, but I think I may have set some groundwork for coming out to my parents. We ended up having a discussion that’s continued into emails about why I am so negative toward the Christian school I went to from kindergarten to 12th grade.

They keep telling me to look at the positives and I know I should, but all I have seen for the past few years is that I wasted twenty-some years of my life chasing after fulfillment in something that required me to be contrary to who I actually was. I always wondered why it was so hard growing up and why I kept having these lapses into this “sin.” Now it’s clear that what I was doing was not wrong and was in fact just who I was. I just wish I had been able to accept that earlier in life.

Anyway, enough of the ranting. I just wanted to get some of that out and to try to get in the habit of posting more often. That was on my mind, so that’s what came up.

Take care everyone.

P.S. I think I like signing things “em.” It’s shorter and I think I like it, but I’m unsure. Every time I do it I think of em dashes. Maybe I should just sign things “—”

Filed under: My Story, Thoughts Tagged: coming out, growing up, mtf transition, transgender, transition, transsexual

Script Frenzy

emilyincarnate — Thu, 11 Mar 2010 04:02:02 +0000

I did National Novel Writing Month in November, and I think I may try Script Frenzy this April. Here’s my profile. I’ve never tried writing a script before, but it sounds like it might be fun and I had a great time in NaNoWriMo. The goal is to write a 100 page script in a month. Let me know if you’re going to attempt it too and I’ll add you on there so we can keep each other on task!

Filed under: My Story Tagged: nanowrimo, national novel writing month, script, script frenzy, script writing

LED High Heels

emilyincarnate — Tue, 09 Mar 2010 17:23:14 +0000

I don’t know. If I just read the subject I would think they’d be ugly, but they’re kind of cute in a wierd sort of way. Here’s a link to the article.

Filed under: Uncategorized Tagged: shoes, technology

The Spammers Found Me

emilyincarnate — Sat, 06 Mar 2010 20:06:24 +0000

K had a post a month or so ago about all the fun comments she has received from spammers. I made the comment to her that I hadn’t really had any problem yet. So far Akismet seemedto be catching most everything.

Well, it seems that spammers have found my blog too. I’ve had a few comments like the one’s in K’s post. Fun fun fun. I don’t want to have to turn on comment moderation, but this may just make me.

Filed under: Uncategorized Tagged: comment spam, comments, spam, spammers