Litany Against Fear

I must not fear.
Fear is the mind-killer.
Fear is the little-death that brings total obliteration.
I will face my fear.
I will permit it to pass over me and through me.
And when it has gone past I will turn the inner eye to see its path.
Where the fear has gone there will be nothing.
Only I will remain.
-Dune: Litany Against Fear

Filed under: Thoughts

A Whole Month?

I can’t believe a whole month has gone by since my last post here. Time flies by sometimes. So much for taking action- I’m still roughly in about the same place, though a little more defined. Let’s see what this month brings.

Filed under: Thoughts

Coming Out

I almost found myself coming out to just about everyone over the weekend including my parents. I don’t know what it is, but in some periods it seems that it’s next to impossible to even think about transitioning and then other times it’s as if you could tell anyone and not care about any negative reactions.

I didn’t end up telling anyone, but I think I may have set some groundwork for coming out to my parents. We ended up having a discussion that’s continued into emails about why I am so negative toward the Christian school I went to from kindergarten to 12th grade.

They keep telling me to look at the positives and I know I should, but all I have seen for the past few years is that I wasted twenty-some years of my life chasing after fulfillment in something that required me to be contrary to who I actually was. I always wondered why it was so hard growing up and why I kept having these lapses into this “sin.” Now it’s clear that what I was doing was not wrong and was in fact just who I was. I just wish I had been able to accept that earlier in life.

Anyway, enough of the ranting. I just wanted to get some of that out and to try to get in the habit of posting more often. That was on my mind, so that’s what came up.

Take care everyone.

em

P.S. I think I like signing things “em.” It’s shorter and I think I like it, but I’m unsure. Every time I do it I think of em dashes. Maybe I should just sign things “—”

Filed under: My Story, Thoughts, coming out, growing up, mtf transition, transgender, transition, transsexual

Another Week/Month

Well it’s been another week/month of indecision. I find myself sliding back and forth on what to do.

I talked with a friend last week and that helped a lot. I miss talking to people about this. I think blogging would help too if I could get around to posting more often.

I’ve always shied away from making hard decisions. I just go with the flow. If a decision will require a lot of work behind it, I’ll try to find something simpler. I wonder if that is part of why I thought it would be better to just maintain rather than push forward into new territory.

I need to make a stand. I need to do this.

Filed under: Thoughts, coming out, friends, mtf transition, transgender, transition, transsexual