Progress and then BAM!

Well, not quite all uppercase bam, but it makes for a more dramatic title, so why not. All of a sudden tonight I was hit by a really heavy bout of questioning and doubt. Is this really right? Can’t I just ignore this? I’ll never succeed. I don’t know quite how I got past it, but I did. In the past, those episodes were always the point of my going back to my cave, but this time I think I’ll make it through.

For some reason, the mantra of the Heart Sutra always helps me get through periods of doubt. “Gate gate pāragate pārasaṃgate bodhi svāhā.” It’s not quite the typical use of the mantra, but for it always comes to mind and helps me. I think it has something to do with the sense of complete awakening.

Filed under: Journal, buddhism, heart sutra, mtf transition, transgender, transsexual

Back! Time for Business.

I can’t keep flopping back and forth. I back off from transitioning but then a week, month, or more later I’m always back where I started. This isn’t going away. It’s been there since I was a child and will always be part of who I am.

I need to embrace myself. There’s nothing wrong with me. Sure, I may have been dealt a trickier than usual hand, but it’s still a lot easier than a lot of other people’s. I can and will survive this. I just have to start making steps.

Filed under: Gender Identity, Journal, coming out, gender, identity, mtf transition, transgender, transition, transsexual

[long pause]

Hmmm. It’s been a long time (over a year!) since I posted here last. I’m a horrible blogger. And then I get distracted. At least no one read this blog to start with so there’s no disappointment.

It’s been a whole year and I’ve my zero progress. I guess I got caught up in some other things and then doubt and then just got lost for a spell. The crux of it is, I don’t know what I want. Well, I know what I want, but I have trouble connecting the dots. There are too many variables and I can’t seem to find a synthesis of them that fits in any long term scheme.

I need to meditate more. I’ve felt for the past couple of years that something was right there, just out of my reach. I don’t know what it is, but it seems to be something transformative. It might just be nothing. I’ve tried (and not tried) to get there, but there is a wall in the way.

I did discover American Apparel this year and have completely fallen in love. I’ve already spent way too much money there and will probably continue the trend for a while.

Anyway, it’s getting late and I have some things to do. Writing this post has been nice, though. I feel like I need to get some words out on “paper.”

Filed under: Gender Identity, Journal, identity, mtf transition, transgender, transition, transsexual

Direct From the Journal

I was writing in my journal today and thought it may be a good exercise to post excerpts from it here from time to time. It won’t necessarily make a ton of sense (I write in a somewhat scattered fashion sometimes as it’s more just a means for me to get things out so they stop rattling around in my head.)

—

March 22, 2010

I will survive. Evidence supports me. I have friends who will support me. Why am I so scared to be who I am? Can I be wrong? What happens if I am wrong? It is impossible that I can be wrong. This is as much me as anything else. It is who I am. I am Emily more than I am anything else. I need to embrace this and stop being scared. It is impossible to fail.

—

Anyway, that’s it. There was some other stuff there, but that was the part that I thought I’d post.

On a side note I changed the blog style. I think I like it. It’s some new theme they just released.

Filed under: Journal, awkward, awkwardness, coming out, friends, gender, mtf transition, transgender, transition, transsexual